Satire alert: Communist Party USA sues Democrats for platform theft

Absolutely hilarious satire from The People’s Cube!  Intro:

In a surprise move, the CPUSA (Communist Party USA) has announced a lawsuit against the Democratic Party and its leadership for the alleged theft of intellectual property. The plaintiffs claim that the entire so-called “new” Democratic agenda is, in fact, the product of a decades-long, painstaking campaign by CPUSA theorists, agitators, and underground subversive cells – which makes it the intellectual property of the Communist Party USA, protected by American copyright laws.”They stole our entire platform, rebranded it ‘progressive’, and claimed it as their own,” declared a CPUSA spokesperson at a press conference in San Francisco. “And we communists say, not so fast! Not in this country anyway, where we still have property rights and the rule of law, thank God! Actually, let me rephrase that…”

Read the rest while hilarity ensues!  😆

Satire alert: Hitler rants about ObamaCare

This is definitely worthy of two things: (1) a language advisory, and (2) a beverage warning.  Do NOT drink anything while watching this!  😆

And no, this doesn’t violate Godwin’s Law.  It’s satire.  It’s not exactly a MoveOn commercial lampooning Bu$hitler McRummyburton.

Satire alert: Obama gets outsourced

Thanks to a friend of mine who wishes to remain anonymous (due to the level of the vitriol spewed by some of my moonbat visitors, I’d say this is a good move).

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be out sourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

The move is being made in order to save the President’s $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President’s term. “We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,” stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). “We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” Reynolds noted.

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination.

Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India , will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parent s were vacationing at Niagara Falls , NY . Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night.  “Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center,” stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.

“I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President.”

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. “We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson.  “Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about.”

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.  According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

A greeter position at Wal Mart was suggested due to Obama’s extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

😆

Humor of the day

This is a hilarious satire site called “Best Obama Facts”.  A few of my favorites:

A microphone into which Obama has spoken, heals asbestos-related disorders and colorectal cancer by direct application.

In second grade Obama developed a concrete plan to save the children. When George W. Bush heard about it, he killed the children and exiled Obama’s family to Hawaii because Bush hated the children.

When Obama was five he fixed Social Security, but George W. Bush broke it again on purpose.

Satire alert, “Obama’s supporters’ lives now without meaning” edition

Absolutely hilarious satire video from The Onion, entitled “Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are”!  Watch it, as it’s only 2:39 long.

Awesome!  😆

Satire alert, “Obama’s socialism” edition

Excerpt from the People’s Cube:

While canvassing neighborhoods in Ohio this Sunday, Barack Obama advised a tax-burdened plumber not to worry about money because under his presidency money will disappear since it will no longer have any meaning anyway. Instead, all Americans will be living off Obama’s highly nutritive WealthSpread™ formula that is surprisingly low in effort and is being promoted by a group of leading nutritionists known as the Cook Fringe of the Democrat Party under the brand name “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Earned!”
…
“So instead of cutting taxes with a kitchen knife we’ll butter it up with wealth and spread it around like we earned it,” the Democratic candidate continued. “It’s a patented foreign blend that is guaranteed to help improve my standing in the polls, but it’s made with 100% pure American taxpayer sweat, which once again shows how taxes can be patriotic.” …

Heh.

 

Marxism: It’s what’s for dinner!

Satire alert, ACORN edition

Excerpt from Iowahawk:

Attorneys for the voting registration organizations ACORN and Project Vote filed an anti-discrimination voting rights suit in the U.S. Federal District court this morning, alleging the United States government is involved in “a widespread, systematic effort to disenfranchise Imaginary-Americans and deprive them of access to polls.”

“Participation in our electoral process is a fundamental right, and the foundation of our democracy,” said ASDF ASDFG, a spokesperson for the National Association for the Advancement of Imaginary People, one of the groups named as plaintiffs in the class action. “We will not be silent when government denies people access to the polls on the basis of color, or sex, or existential status.”

Heh.

Obama – MSM lovefest spoof

Michelle Malkin has a photoshop contest to see who can come up with the best spoof on the Big Three’s international cultist trip with the Obamessiah.  The contest is here.  My vote goes to the following, from my friends Buckley and Potfry over at the most hilarious (and politically incorrect) political satire site on the entire Internets…The Nose On Your Face.

Couric needs a shave, n’est-ce pas?

Satire alert: New Obama biography

Absolutely hilarious way to start the week off, courtesy of The People’s Cube.  From the upcoming biography “The Audacity of the Dope”, here’s the opening excerpt:

CHAPTER 1 – THE BEGINNING OF THE START

Barack Obama was born Steven Urkel in a log cabin near Springfield, Illinois. His father was a militant piano tuner from one of those African countries where they change the national boundaries every other week. His mother was a loan officer at the Oppressed Proletariat Bank and Trust Company where she spent her days rejecting loans to people who had little more to cling to than God and guns. As a communist, she hated that her job forced her to oppress the poor and disenfranchised; but, also as a communist, she loved power and control so she threw herself into her work with alacrity. His father, not finding a large number of militant pianos in the American Great Plains, left the fledgling family for places with more bellicose musical tastes, leaving young Steven and his mom to fight capitalism alone. 

Please do yourself a favor and read the whole thing.  While stand-up comics may have a hard time finding something to laugh about with regards of the Obamessiah, we here at Crush Liberalism have no humor-impairedness at all.

Courtesy of The People’s Cube

Satire alert: Silky Pony channels unborn child and confirms it’s not his

If you have never checked out the conservative satire site The Nose On Your Face, you just may suck.  To end the suction, check out this post from the guys.  Beverage alert, my friends…put your drinks down before reading.

Satire alert: Thanksgiving causes global “warming”

You just know this is coming one day.  From The Daily Redundancy:

Study: Holiday Feasts Increase Global Warming
CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study has linked the traditional feasts associated with Thanksgiving and Christmas to increases in planetary temperatures. The report, to be released Wednesday, claims the additional energy required to fatten, slaughter, ship and roast tens of millions of turkeys causes a seasonal spike in greenhouse gasses. Scientists say the effects of these spikes could be devastating.


“Once the damage is done, it’s difficult to reverse the effects.” said Myron Finnister, professor of Climatic Endocrinology at Howyflyl University. “It’s much like the person doing the feasting, who can never seem to shed those extra pounds. And pretty soon, it’s time to feast all over again.”

The report cites that energy consumption typically increases during the months of November and December, the peak of the turkey production season. Energy use beyond December is mainly due to cold weather, according to the report. “Temperature increases of up to 0.2 degrees over the next 100 years can be directly attributable to this spike.” said Finnister.

Nutritionists and conservationists are quick to point out alternatives to the roast turkey dinner. “Vegetables, which are much lighter than turkeys and therefore more efficient to ship, are an excellent feast.” said Lindy Hellman-Jones, a dietary specialist at Newhall Clinic. “But if people must eat turkeys, which is pretty gross, there are steps they can take to save the planet. If everyone would turn their ovens down from 350 to 345, it would be like taking 1 million cars off the road.”

We’re laughing at the unholy alliance between global “warming” gullibles and the militant vegan treehuggers today, but tomorrow, they’ll be angrier than Osama with dried couscous stuck in his beard.

Satire alert

You absolutely must read this by The Nose On Your Face!  It’s the Employee Entrance Exam for the NY Times.  Excerpts:

3. The War in Iraq can best be described as:
a. An unmitigated disaster. And illegal.
b. The Mesopotamian Vietnam. And illegal.
c. Illegal. And Illegal.
d. Started by Bush on a dare from one of his “Skull & Bones” buddies after a week-long cocaine bender. And illegal.
…
5. Why are conservatives so stupid?
a. Because if they were brilliant, they would then be called “liberals.”
b. Studies show that over time, repeatedly running over spotted owls in an SUV and then drinking their blood from your personalized “frat mug” can lower IQ’s by nearly 65%.
c. That is a patently unfair statement. It is not right to stereotype an entire ideology like that. I am deeply offended… almost had you! Actually, I think it’s because of lead exposure from their weekly oil baths.
d. Why is Rosie O’Donnell so reasonable? Why does Bush hate black people? I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.
…
13. True or Not False: As a boy, Ronald Reagan shaved baby squirrels with a rusty straight razor and then Super-Glued them to the holster of his six-shooter for decorative purposes.
a. True
b. Not False
…

Go read the rest, and enjoy the hilarity of (a) the post and (b) the comments section, which are rife with humor-impaired moonbats getting bent.

Satire alert: Belgium to pick up France’s slack

Bookmark The Nose on Your Face now, or I’ll replace the whole blog with a single page that reads repeated “All work and no play makes Jonathan a dull boy” a la The Shining. From TNOYF:

Long resigned to their role as the “Garfunkel” of the international punchline community, Belgium has seen their stock rise sharply on the news of the recent French presidential election. Nicolas Sarkozy’s vocal pro-American stance, along with his large margin of victory, may shift the balance of French-bashing away from the traditional favorites; the French.

“I have to be honest with you, I’m not all that familiar with the Belgians,” said Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania resident James Dyer. “But I better get up to speed quickly; they certainly aren’t going to just mock themselves. This election is a wake-up call for many of us in the France-mocking community, and we ignore the will of the people at our own peril.”

Dyer went on to say that although he does not know a great deal about Belgians, he does have some generic taunts “that can be utilized until more specific ones can be crafted.”

Experts say that more than anything, this election was a referendum on the cliched French taunting that has become prevalent in recent years.

“The French have given us so much material for so long, that it became almost too easy to mock them,” said veteran Francophobe Jack O’Malley. “Surrender, crepes, effeminate males, the f***ing beret? Comedy gold. I think that many people, myself included, have become complacent, lazy. On another note, let me be the first to welcome the gay, John Ritter-adoring, waffle-vendors of Belgium into their new role. You’ll be hearing from us.”

Satire alert: Dems wants U.S. to leave U.S. by Fall ’07

Those brilliant minds at The Nose On Your Face have done it again!

Senate majority leader Harry Reid is calling for the United States to leave the United States by October 31st 2007, saying that country has inflicted “incalculable amounts of suffering” upon not only the rest of the world, but also it’s own people.

“The evidence is clear,” said Reid. “Since America has been at the route of the rest of the world’s problems, doesn’t it naturally follow that we are the cause of our own ills as well? I think we need to get our own house in order and the best way to do that is to separate us from ourselves in a timely manner.”

Democrats were vague as to where the more than 300 million Americans would be relocated to, but some sources expected that 2/3 would likely return to their native Mexico to “wait and see if the new northern occupants are open to diversity.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered a unique proposal for the remaining U.S. citizens.

“Some will go to the poles to repair the ice shelves,” said Pelosi. “Others will be fitted with leaves, bark, and howler monkeys and be sent to the rainforests of South America to replace the trees that have been so callously destroyed by the U.S.’s ravenous appetite for paper products. And finally, the remaining citizens will be sent to France and the Palestinian territory to receive immersion training in enculturation and tolerance.”

Plans for the former United States are still unclear, but Reid said that they will likely involve “a right of return for Native Americans and mastodons.”

Well, considering that leftards do blame America for the world’s ills, one has to wonder just how far from reality such satire truly is.

Satire alert

The Nose On Your Face does it again! This hilarious bit is at the expense of the mad mullahs of Iran. From TNOYF:

The tense standoff between Iran and Britain over the fifteen sailors who were captured by the Iranians last week almost came to a quick conclusion earlier today thanks to the handiwork of noted Middle Eastern funny-man Farouk bin Hasim.

Hasim, the host of the wildly popular “Persian Punk’d”, made his way into a meeting of the Iranian Grand Council this morning sporting a Ronald Reagan mask. The reaction was immediate.

“Oh, but if you could have smelled the collective seat of the Mullah’s robes when they saw him walk in with that Reagan mask on!” said Hasim’s close friend and cameraman Yephik Bashar. “There was a stench in the air more foul than a syphilitic camel sporting Paris Hilton’s undergarments. And the whimpering! ‘A thousand apologies Mr. President Reagan sir!‘ ‘We are so very sorry for the trouble Mr. President Reagan sir!.’ Priceless.”

The religious leaders became aware of the joke shortly after Hasim left and they discovered that their navy was still intact.

The episode will air early next month.

“Please, Mr. President Reagan, sir! Don’t humiliate us again!”

Satire alert: Iranian hostage situation part II

From spoofmaster Scrappleface:

Iran announced today that it would release immediately the 15 British soldiers and marines it took hostage last week to avoid further “cordial pressure and devastating pleasantries” from British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

“In this test of wills,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, “we acknowledge the superior power of the adversary. We cannot withstand another onslaught of polite diplomatic language nor the withering, if unspoken, consternation we detect in the eyes of Tony Blair.”

A spokesman for Mr. Blair said, “Tyrants like Ahmadinejad, and the radical Mullahs who prop him up, understand only one thing: swift, targeted courtesy. And though we were reluctant to overreact to this little dust up, the Iranian leader now knows we mean business.”

The British Prime Minister’s spokesman added, “Our patience is virtually unlimited, but not infinitely unlimited. That’s why Iran blinked. They could see a day coming when the talking would stop, and we would reach into our arsenal of UN resolutions to consider more sanctions.”

Stop…or we shall be forced to say “Stop” again! 😀

Satire alert: Gen. Pace’s apology

From the master of political satire, Scrappleface:

Former President Bill Clinton today added his voice to the chorus calling for Gen. Peter Pace to apologize for remarks in a recent interview in which he branded some kinds of behavior as “immoral“, and said the military should not condone immorality of any kind.

In a newspaper interview, Gen. Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, mentioned adultery and homosexual behavior as examples of immorality.

President Clinton, who served as Commander in Chief for two tours of duty, instituted the military policy called ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ which officially allows homosexuals to serve in the armed forces as long as they lie about their behavior and don’t get caught in the act.

“Gen. Pace’s antiquated ideas could have a chilling effect on military recruiting,” said Mr. Clinton. “In addition, there’s a real risk that the general has hurt the feelings of many who love this country and are willing to fight for our freedom to have intimate relations without so-called moral boundaries.”

Mr. Clinton noted that if the nation had Gen. Pace’s attitude toward adultery just a few years ago, “we would have lost the valiant service of one of history’s greatest commanders in chief.”

“The military desperately needs brave men and women with the character, integrity and dignity that their colleagues can count on in times of war,” said Mr. Clinton, “But Gen. Pace essentially hung out a sign that says, ‘adulterers, homosexuals and liars need not apply.’”

He urged the general to “count the cost of his narrow views.”

“Gen. Pace should acknowledge that he was wrong,” said Mr. Clinton, “and tell all Americans that his remarks constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on his part for which he is solely and completely responsible.”

In related news, the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, an advocacy group for homosexuals in the military, issued a terse statement condemning Gen. Pace’s remarks, saying, “Gay troops are highly offended at the general’s comparison between us and people like former President Clinton.”

Heh.

Satire alert: Dems to repeal Social Security?

Great satire from Scrappleface:

Democrats in the Senate plan to introduce a measure next week to repeal the 2002 Iraq war authorization, and Republicans have already announced they’re willing to discuss the bill in exchange for Democrat support of a measure repealing the 1935 Social Security Act.

Democrats said circumstances have changed in the past five years – Saddam Hussein is gone and no WMD were found – making the 2002 war authorization obsolete.

Republicans used similar logic in offering their Social Security repeal act: the Great Depression is over, and despite 60 years of trying, no security has been found.

Depends on the meaning of the word "bipartisan", plus a House Resolution parody

An analysis of Clintonesque word-parsing by Stuart Rothenberg:

Moments after the House voted against President Bush’s additional deployment of troops to Iraq – the so-called surge, if you are for it or trying to be neutral, or the so-called escalation, if you are opposed to it – House Democrats sent out a flurry of e-mails crowing about the “bipartisan” support for it.

House Democratic Caucus Chairman Rahm Emanuel’s release was titled, “Emanuel Statement on Bipartisan Approval of Iraq Resolution,” while House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer’s was headlined an only slightly different, “Bipartisan Majority in U.S. House Votes Against the President’s Plan to Escalate the War in Iraq.”

On the House floor, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, staying true to her party’s talking points, also referred to the resolution as “bipartisan.”

In fact, support for the Iraq resolution was bipartisan only in the technical sense that the vote on the resolution was not completely along party lines. But it was awfully close to that, and referring to the final vote as bipartisan has more to do with Democratic strategy and nervousness than reality.

Only 17 Republicans – or 8.4% of GOP House members – joined 225 Democrats in voting for the resolution, while over 90% of Republicans opposed passage of the resolution. Republicans constituted just 7% of the 242 House members who supported the resolution. Only two House Democrats voted with 185 Republicans against the resolution. (Using Pe-loose-screw’s “logic”, doesn’t the fact that two Democrats voted against the resolution mean that the vote against the resolution was also “bipartisan”? – Ed.)

Democrats had enough votes to pass the resolution without any GOP support, and given national polls showing widespread dissatisfaction with the Bush policy, just 17 Republican votes for the resolution is stunningly small, and little or no indication of a bipartisan consensus.

Clearly, the vote on the resolution was very much partisan, though with a handful of defections. We can argue over what would constitute a truly bipartisan vote, but 92% of Republicans voting against something and 99% of Democrats voting for it surely doesn’t come close to passing the threshold. By insisting, whether in a press release, in statements on the floor or in interviews after the fact, that the vote was bipartisan, Democratic leaders look silly. (Remember when former Congressman James Traficant (D-OH) was the only Democrat in the House to vote for Dennis Hastert (R-IL) to be Speaker? Could the GOP have argued that Hastert’s election to House Speaker was a “bipartisan” vote? – Ed.)

But if the vote was overwhelmingly partisan, why don’t Democrats just say so? What’s the big deal?

The likely answer is that Democrats are trying so hard to avoid allowing Republicans to label their criticism as merely partisan that they won’t even acknowledge the obvious. Instead, they are looking for any opportunity to portray their opposition to the President’s policies as part of the nation’s dissatisfaction with the administration’s Iraq policy.

While that’s understandable – one of the few ways Democrats could screw up during the next year and a half would be to appear to be basing their opposition on possible political gain and a petty desire to punish Bush politically – there is no indication that Democrats have been too aggressive in criticizing the President or his policies so far.

In fact, a partisan division over the war probably would help Democrats by further damaging the Republicans between now and next year’s Presidential election. After all, if it isn’t merely President Bush, but also his entire party, that supports the war and ignores public opinion, Democrats would seem to benefit.

Obviously there are a handful of high profile Republicans who have opposed the Bush policy in Iraq for a considerable time – most notably Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska in the Senate and Rep. Walter Jones of North Carolina in the House – and a number of GOP members of Congress have over the past couple of months sounded increasingly critical of Bush policies.

But the House vote demonstrates that Republicans still have not left the President’s ship, even though it clearly seems to be sinking, and Democrats ought not be so wedded to their talking points’ emphasis on bipartisan opposition to the war that they refer to a “bipartisan resolution” that clearly was nothing of the sort.

Considering that the House worked really hard on telling us their opinion instead of governing (an act of grandstanding), it should surprise no one that the Dems are giving us this dog-and-pony show called “bipartisanship” to go along with their vote to…do nothing.

Well, thanks to our friends at The Nose on Your Face, we see the real motivation behind the Dems’ House resolution:

Publicly, the text of today’s Congressional rejection of the troop surge in Iraq appeared to be a simple 2 point resolution:

1. Congress and the American people will continue to support and protect the members of the United States Armed Forces who are serving or who have served bravely and honourably in Iraq; and

2. Congress disapproves of the decision of President George W Bush announced on January 10 2007, to deploy more than 20,000 additional United States combat troops to Iraq.

TNOYF has learned, however, that Congress included several additional points to the resolution that were not shared with the media. They are:

3. Congress asserts that, while Points 1 and 2 might appear to be contradictory, they are, in fact, not. To the soldiers in Iraq who ask how this is possible, Congress replies, it is a highly complicated, multi-layered issue which your lack of education makes it difficult for you to understand. (Thanks, John Kerry! – Ed.)

4. Congress understands that they are voting against the reinforcements wanted by the tired, exhausted mercenaries troops in Iraq. Congress wants the troops in Iraq to know that less soldiers means more extravagant perks for the soldiers already there. Congress once again shows that they support the troops. Congress requests a rousing ”Boo-Ya.”

5. Congress understands that this resolution may create feelings of sadness and underappreciation among the 20,000 troops that have been called upon for this effort. Congress wants those troops to know that they should not feel this way. Congress would prefer that they feel uncertain and confused.

6. Congress would like to give a “shout out” to the Iraq insurgency.

7. Congress understands that should the tide turn in the War in Iraq and the United States complete its mission, anyone who voted for this resolution is going to have some splainin’ to do. That is why Congress has decided that this resolution is non-binding.

Bookmark The Nose on Your Face now, or I’ll have to call you names…like “you’re French”!

Dems’ theme songs

The AP is reporting that the 2008 Democrat candidates for the White House have selected their theme songs. The muckraking thinktank white trash “investigative journalists” here at the Crush Liberalism Objective World News Service (aka CLOWNS) discovered some suggestions that the candidates’ staffers had put together, all of which were ultimately rejected.

John Edwards: “Lawyers in Love” by Jackson Browne; “Shakedown” by Bob Seger; “Loser” by Beck.

Sen. Chris Dodd of Connecticut: any song by The Waitresses (click here for explanation).

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York: “The Bitch is Back” by Elton John; “This Land is MY Land” by Woody Guthrie; “Hippychick” by Soho; and “I am Woman” by Helen Reddy (thus playing on her “elect me because I lack a Y chromosome” motif).

Rep. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio: “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley; “Insane in the Brain” by Cypress Hill; “Everybody Must Get Stoned” by Bob Dylan.

Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois: “Cocaine” by Eric Clapton; “Everybody Must Get Stoned” by Bob Dylan (his staffers heard that Kucinich had rejected it); “Empty Suit” by Stone Lyrics.

The news contained above is as valid as a CBS memo, my friends…all thanks to CLOWNS!

Satire alert

The brilliant satirical minds at The Nose On Your Face have an excellent piece that spoofs that stupid female Cali legislator who proposed the bill to ban spanking kids (though she has no kids herself):

In an effort to fend off criticism that her childless status makes her a questionable proponent of anti-spanking legislation, California legislator and cat-lover Sally Lieber is now offering some helpful child-rearing tips for parents.

Guest Commentary By Sally Lieber

I have been both surprised and disappointed since I introduced legislation in California that would make it illegal for parents to spank their young children. Just because I don’t have any human kids doesn’t mean that I don’t understand how to raise them.

Here are a few dynamite tips that I’ve picked up along the way that are sure to help out even the most over-stressed parent. Enjoy.

1) When your child does not listen to you, it is never okay to spank them. A light misting from a spray bottle usually does the trick with much less damage to their self-esteem.

2) Make sure to have your child spayed or neutered by the time they enter daycare. Remember, responsible parents do not let their youngsters litter or have litters (Get it? Litter? Litters? My son Mr. Mittens came up with that. Isn’t he clever?)

3) It is not necessary to buy your child expensive toys or elaborate video game systems. In my experience I’ve found that they are quite content with a simple ball of yarn.

4) When deciding where to place your child’s bed, be sure to choose a spot that receives lots of sunlight.

5) Do not be alarmed if your child brings home a dead mouse or bird for you. Although children do not have the appropriate words to express their feelings at a young age, what they are really saying is “Hey- mom and dad? I truly love and appreciate you.” Remember, as is often the case with children, it is the thought that counts.

6) Although it has been dismissed by many as an old wives tale, it is in fact true that children always do land on their feet when dropped from high places. Give it a try, it won’t hurt them. In fact, it will help to hone their reflexes and muscles for later in life.

7) Reading is essential to the mental, emotional, and spiritual growth of children. Expose them to the classics such as Garfield and Puss ‘n’ Boots, at an early age.

8) Contrary to popular belief, a black child crossing your path is most emphatically not bad luck. This is one of those slow-to-die racial stereotypes that began with southern plantation owners centuries ago, and is perpetuated by Republicans and Michael Richards to this day.

Now get back out there and raise some terrific kids everybody!

Go check out (and bookmark) TNOYF. If you don’t, you’ll piss off Islamic Rage Boy. Trust me, you do NOT want to do that!

CLOWNS hacked by MSM

The Crush Liberalism Objective World News Service (CLOWNS) does great muckraking “investigative journalism”, as many of your long-timers know. Apparently, our work is so good that Al Jazeera and al-Reuters have stolen our photos and added their own captions. Since these pictures weren’t copyrighted or anything, our ambulance chasers have told us we have no legal recourse. Sucks for us.

Anywho, here are the photos with the MSM thieves’ captions (click on a photo to enlarge it). What would the MSM be without CLOWNS?